Forever Recovering

There comes a time in I think everyone's OCD journey when they get hit with the realization that their diagnosis will never go away.

When I was diagnosed at ten years old, I remember thinking, "Cool, I will just do a bunch of ERP therapy and all of this will go away!"

Oh how wrong I was.

I'm not sure when the realization hit me, but I do remember the stages of grief that came after.

At first I tried to deny its existance. "I don't have this disorder." "I'm functioning normally and everything is fine!" Which, as you can believe, didn't work out for long when compulsions were concerned.

Then came the extreme anger. "Why me?" "What made me this way?" "Why hasn't anyone found a cure?" "You mean to tell me I have to fight against my own mind for the rest of my life?" "Who cursed me to this life of overthinking, panic, and pure torture?"

Then came the bargaining. I started to dive into how I got OCD. It must of been my parents genetics because I was born with this. "Which family members showed signs of OCD?" "Who passed this down to me unknowingly?" I started imagining how much easier my life would be if I didn't have this disorder. I would picture the ways in which I functioned differently from others and imagined myself doing things without the nagging OCD in the back of my brain.

Then came depression. I started to become depressed by my circumstances. The sadness that came along with the realization that this would never go away was hard for me to get through. It was a sadness that I would never know who I was without this chemical imbalance. That I would have this shadow following me for my entire existence.

Then came the acceptance. I finally felt like I understood my OCD at this point. When I was able to accept my diagnosis, I was able to learn about it and work with it. Instead of fighting it, I was finally ready to learn how to live alongside it. My life became so much brighter.

I dove into the tips and tricks, the ERP therapy, and the self-acceptance. I started to learn how to treat myself with more compassion and understanding, that I didn't have to hate my own brain. In fact, OCD has made me more resilient. In order to fix your OCD, you have to face it head-on, which in turn has made me stronger in all areas of my life. I'm not a victim of any circumstance. I am someone who faces their battles head-on and I can thank ERP and my OCD for teaching me that.

I learned to be more gentle with myself and others. I started having more of an open mind to other peoples expereinces and upbringings. I started to see the world in a diffrerent light. I held more empathy and understanding of the harsh realities of the world.

I was able to learn how to live with my disorder which gave me a sense of pride I have never experienced before in anything else. To pull yourself out of the darkest pit you've ever experienced is such a feat of strength and something I have used to get me through other life hurdles. If I can get through OCD, I can get through anything.

It may sound cliché, but the truth is, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and I recognize where my OCD has done that for me. Without my OCD, I wouldn't be me and it makes that shadow on my back now alittle lighter. I hope everyone with OCD can recognize their own stregnth and light, and that you are always more than just a diangosis.